Dig Deeper.

we've started INSANITY by Beachbody. it's been a week and i haven't missed a day. nor do i plan to. i have amended and tailored my diet as best given the circumstances of location and budget. this lifestyle suits me well. i am sometimes tempted to refer to it as ideal. if not only for the limited hours in the day. time itself prevents me from using the strength, stamina and agility as much as i would. if only i could. but i do feel the results in my overall fitness already, albeit inhibited by the underlying stiffness and muscle fatigue. all in a shift to regain a form of former glory, it not better than before. the fact that i can now practice parkour is fun too.

january 2010 - week 1

new post. new year.
finding the urge to push again. becoming more secluded while allowing public scrutiny of private thoughts. at the bottom of the pendulum, anticipating upswing. house home happy hope... all in time. who's time? make time. find time. find myself.
flies are being attracted to my screen in the middle of the night. good night.

This week is not a good week

It was like this, this week last year... and the year before.
The 40th week is not a good week.
EVERY creative avenue both my graphic and video teams take are being railroaded by 'upstairs'.
I kicked a hole in the wall in the office hallway yesterday.
Our machines are dying off in poetic symphony, battling for dominance for IT attention.
I cussed out vehemently at no one in particular knowing but not caring that people were in the front office.
Lack of morale, apathy, and outright vehemence is becoming the norm among us.
We are reacting to "change the swirl" by returning designs with perfectly centered squares instead.
We have assigned every client their one allowed colour that no one else can use.
Three clients have been allowed to keep their swirls.
Responses have become either grunts or three word quips.
This cannot continue.
I cannot continue like this.

For a moment, lost in time

By no more than mere moments, I passed you without seeing. Or perhaps I was looking the other way when you sauntered by. I missed you, and still do.
Soon, I hope.
Soon.
I can only hope.

A stitch in time

there was a point today that reminded me that a moment can last a lifetime. discovering that the effects of one pin in the etui of life was not astounding. discovering the pin however, was. thanks for the beautiful sewing, the inevitable pricking and the eternal being.

in de mean time

ah have ah date on line wid de wife dis morning. she tex meh 4 o'clock last night to say she wish ah was deh too in a fete wid she an de NiSAN crew. but seein as tings hadda be how dey is, we doing wha we can until we can do wha we do.

one look, three calls

i was angry, disappointed, disillusioned, confused and focused all at the same time. the worst thing to do is try to control your heart beat when the only thing you want to do is beat your heart out. but in the end, the end justified the means. i will fight for this. even if it means fighting for you by fighting with you. clichés are wonderful tools in every sense.

is that all?

i'm going to carnival in Trinidad for the first time in 6 years. hosting one of my best college friends and her hubby. the wife is already there for a good week ahead of us. should be some memorable good times ahead.
if anyone reads this, you'll notice i have abandoned my rule for proper use of punctuation, capitalisation and perhaps to a certain extent grammar. there is a reason. it's too demanding to be proper all the time. better get a good idea out and build than a great building on loose sand. i want to write, but i don't want to feel like i have to. start slow, small and fool proof... or foolish. doesn't matter. so long as something is flowing. Ish, we need to get that back.
that is all.

I have a new Payne

I went to the doctor today voluntarily for the first time in over a decade (emergencies not included). I have a pain in my neck that has gone unabated for over a week. I decided that while finding out about the growing inconvenience evolving into sheer annoyance, I might as well use the insurance I pay for and get some of it back come tax time by doing a full physical.

Well, we are all happy to know that I am a specimen of good health except for one thing. My new doctor says I have unexplained high blood pressure - 150/100. What she actually said the first time she took my pressure reading was, “Interesting.” She did the test three more times on three more machines. It never changed. 150/100 four times in a row. She then informed me that it’s something of an anomaly given my overall health, but a trend of high blood pressure due to hypertension is something they’ve been seeing happen to younger and younger people.
But not that high.
Not in a relaxed state.
Not in such good health.

There’s no need for medication or anything like that at this point. I have to do the usual battery of blood tests and she gave me a lifestyle plan to follow over the next six weeks which includes adjusting my diet and “intake habits” during which we'll track the pressure bi-weekly.

None of this helps or affects the constant pain in my neck though. She said that is most likely due to something I am doing (unconsciously, habitually, while asleep, ??? ) and I should see a physiotherapist before doing anything else. I did get a "new" bed yesterday, and last night I did sleep better than I have in ages. So perhaps that's part of it, or hopefully solves all of the above. Lack of sleep can cause these things, right?

Oh, the best part of this is the beginning. I chose the doctor because her surname is Payne.

Headaches

I woke up every day this week with a headache and an annoying niggling pain at the base of my skull. The headache is so constant I am afraid I’m becoming accustomed to it. You always read about or see on television people who have been living with this or that for so many years. I don’t want to be one of those people. I like the freedom of life without pain. I enjoy and celebrate the ability to do what I want, how I want, when I want. It is not a part of life I ever take for granted. I know the consequences of the risks I take every day and I cherish the ability to still have that option to take those risks.
But this pain I have been living with recently... It has to go. Soon.

New work

Click, click, boom.

A few months have passed and I have allowed myself to slip into a state of apathy outside of the routine. I have forgiven and rededicated myself. It's time to get going again.

Found

The passion that comes with doing, while forgetting the reward for action, is fabulous. I found that by thinking nothing, not hoping for anything, just getting up and doing, there was an innocence I had once lost come creeping back into my movement. Fluidity, grace and form flourished out of unrehearsed motions.
Today, having recovered this ... art of creativity ... I made it my method. And it worked. Finally. Perhaps it will continue. Perhaps I have truly found how more is less in practicality.

It will only get hotter.

it's warmer here than i remembered. there's at least one fan in every room... even the rooms with a/c. the bed i grew up on is oddly bouncier yet firmer than the one i sleep on ritually. too bad it's also smaller. despite the hustle i once successfully escaped, i haven't felt it creep back in. then again, it's sunday. tomorrow, traffic, business, plans, things to do, will raise their hydra's heads and try to bite me. tomorrow will remind me of the heat i forgot.

What's left?

I have found lately I am paddling in circles in creative doldrums. There is no inspiration to write/draw/design, only the desire to do so exists - and that desire is getting overwhelming. I fear that my talent is being monopolised by its commercial demands, and not discovering new and exciting non-work-related challenges.
wah wah wah - stop coplaining and do something about it, right?
Right.

Spark

there, in the distance, a darkness grew. small at first, but sure as night takes over day, it grew. i knew the time had come... my time had come. we had said goodbye already. it was time to ....

www.oneword.com

Run

finding the floor was difficult to a man with no vision... vision lost before he knew the difference between red apples and green mangoes. left. right. just go Sam. just go.

They give you a word and a few seconds to write whatever comes to mind. Then you're published.
Check it out - www.oneword.com

Eye shadow and confetti

Ring! Ring! My phone rang.
"I'm leaving in the morning."
So why are you mad?

shifting between

vacations are great.
mornings are slower. the sun sets later and with more colours. birds sing louder. drives seem longer and destinations are worth the journey. people are friendlier and more smiles are genuine.

vacations are great.
you kiss in public ... more. you hold hands and swing when you walk. you do new things with old friends. you laugh louder.

vacations are great.
you only check one email... once a week. you only turn on the phone to find out the time because you don't wear a watch. you miss breakfast but find a plate saved just for you.

vacations are great.
i want to feel like i am on vacation when i get back. i want to remember the things i forgot. i want to hold on to the mentality that lets me know i'm alive, not just existing. i want to do the everyday without the mundane. i want to feel and experience, not just be there.

vacations are great.
you don't use the shift key.

Which came first...

Ask any scientist, bookie, logistician or crackhead... actuality always transcends probability. Ergo, the chicken (actuality) came before the egg (probability).

It can truly be said that art imitates life. There undeniably exists a basis for any given inspiration. But inspiration in of itself cannot create action, only the motivation for said possible action(s). One depends on the other. Of course, once any action has been initiated, the cycle between thought and deed can be eternal, eventually making the origin difficult to decipher.

But believe me, art imitates life.